slowly the land regains its color
up on the hillside three deer
move cautiously driven by hunger
two of them still wobbly on the
long legs they haven’t grown into
wherever mama deer goes they go
the north star in their sky
seeing constellations in the land
i’ll never see, speaking in
languages i’ll never understand
but there is something i recognize
in their bodies, my babies and i
nuzzles and gazes, cries and hums
eyes, noses, mouths, hands
holding, swaying, shushing, sighing
wherever i go they follow, clinging
to me not only for sustenance
and sleep but direction, orientation
“the body is a multilingual being” 1
they’re so attuned to her body
every twitch of the tail and now
her head jerks toward them sharply
mama deer must’ve said something
for off they go those shaky legs
maybe they’re just cold, my firstborn
always tells me i’m the warmest person
in all the world there is nothing
i love more than their bodies curled
into mine like they still fit there
perfectly, though it can be hard
for me to slow down enough
just be there, don’t i recognize
my own need for it too? far more
than all the things i’m being sold
every time i open a screen, more
things i didn’t know i needed and
never wanted and don’t know what
to even do with because they can’t
give me a fraction of what this
does, this quiet early may day
watching deer on the hillside
my own babe here in my arms
his body rising and falling in the
heaviness of sleep, wide open
mouth sometimes curling into a smile
the sweetest dream, oh dear time
can’t you stop just this once?
wait, wasn’t it i who was trying
to lay him down earlier frustrated
that he refuses to sleep anywhere
but my body, nine months now
he’s been out in the world a little
less time than he was inside
i’m still a home i suppose
“my mother was my first country
the first place i ever lived” 2
the next time i look up it is only her
i see, the young deer are gone
and then someone comes rounding
the corner in his fast runner’s pace
she must’ve warned them, told them
go babies go i’ll take this one now
she stands frozen like a brown tree
trunk and nothing more until he
is out of sight, out of earshot
and then they’re back at her side
until my babe pops up crying
how long did he sleep? i forgot
to check the clock when he finally
closed his heavy eyes, do deer
babies fight sleep too? i don’t
see mama deer stressing about
all that, the wild world still free
of clocks and calendars, mirrors
and screens, real or illusory
i’m not sure, oh dear time
what is to come of us and those
still lucky enough to be wild?
my doctor said that when i kiss
my baby the bacteria on his skin
goes into my body which then
reformulates my milk into the
perfect cocktail containing all
all the nutrients and antibodies he
needs, just the wildest thing
ever, my body the best medicine
so how can i feel so damn empty
when i contain so much, everything
i deeply yearn for i also fear
and everything i fear i deeply want
just like motherhood was for me
for so long i kept saying no
when i so desperately wanted
to say yes, come wild ones
break me apart and put me back
together as i should have been
did you know that deer
mamas will rush to the aid of
crying human babies even risking
their lives by running out
of the forest into our world
because their bodies can’t help
but respond to the crying?
it’s true i can feel physically
ill when i hear babies screaming
pick up your baby i once said
to a mother pushing her shrieking
baby in a stroller, dear mama
looked up caught in headlights
as if she’d been sleepwalking
should i really pick her up?
of course why wouldn’t you
they told me babies like these
strollers, well my babies didn’t
(i was carrying mine in a wrap
her eyes were fixated on him)
yeah but you’re not black
you can do whatever you want
a black mama carrying her baby
around in a wrap, it’s uncivilized
it’s normal i said, not here she said
i get bad looks, ugh i know those
looks and could just imagine
how much worse it was for her
broke my heart for all mothers
disconnected, stuck in their heads
for all women, disembodied
the most tragic thing of all
because that’s where it all is
even deer mamas know, it’s all
embedded deep within us
way beyond us, speaking
languages we never knew we had
skin to skin, breath by breath
the sound of our heartbeat
transmitting everything
1 “the body is a multilingual being” is a quote from clarissa pinkola estés in her book, women who run with the wolves
2 “my mother was my first country the first place i ever lived” is a poem by Nayyirah Waheed titled lands
